I sometimes get very intriguing questions from clients. One man in his 40s, sent an email asking me about his new hot girlfriend.

My response is below that.

*** This email exchange was sent in the spring of 2015.***

DEAR DYANN;

So I met this girl. She’s 31 years old. Very attractive. I’m 44 years old. This all started about two or three weeks ago.

Had a few dates and really started to hit it off. She texts me all day long. We really connect and have fun. One night we talked about the age gap and both said that hey if we really connect let’s just not worry about it.

This weekend we actually hung out 4 days in a row. I stayed at her place all weekend, we had mind blowing sex then she drove me home Monday morning.

That’s when things got weird. All day Monday I heard nothing from her. So finally I had to find out whats up and called her.

She said that she felt I was distant the last night we were together. So I told her I was going to focus on her and not try to date anyone else.

Then she replied that she was not ready for that on her end. What??? She said something like I just don’t want to close any doors… I just got divorced.

(Remember this man asking for advice is in his 40s)

How can you date someone for a month, have great sex, sleep over every night and then say you don’t want to be exclusive? I thought she just wasn’t that into me and was ready to call it quits.

Then I get a text from her… Ok..I think you are amazing and I feel a deep connection with you, with that being said, I really want to get to know you more and see if there’s a potential for the future. I think we need to take it slow..I’m not ready for the ‘exclusive’ part. I’m not sure if that’s good enough for you, but I really hope that it is.

Can you help me make sense of this please? Why would she still want to keep her options open? And how should I deal with this? Continue to see her? I don’t know any girl in the history of my life that after a great weekend like that would not want to be exclusive. I’m confused. How do I play this? I have feelings for her.

— Confused in Toledo

Dyann’s Response…

DEAR CONFUSED:

First of all… relax. Most of this is not you. Probably all of it is not you unless you keep pushing her.

You mentioned she said she just got a divorce..Ding Ding.. big bells should be going off right now.

From what I read it sounds like she really likes you and you two are building a good connection.

That’s part of the problem because she “just got divorced.” Both of you are starting to care about each other. The stakes have been raised. Your hearts are in it. She needs to slow down a bit and sort out her feelings.

She is telling you she wants to keep doors open because being exclusive with you right now is too much pressure for her. Let her rest. It’s fine to see each other and have fun but I can guarantee you if you continue to push her she will back off… for good.

She needs time to process and heal from her divorce. You are a very nice addition to her life right now. However, her heart is not in a place to give to you exclusively at this point. Respect that.

Be patient. You may well be rewarded down the road.

UPDATE On Asking For Advice:

A few weeks after he sent me this email his attraction to her cooled off.

Unfortunately, he did what many men (and women do), he made more out of it than it was at that point in the beginning. Then they got to know each other better.

He quickly discovered they didn’t have as much in common as he thought they did…. and he left. Ouch.

I hope that posting this interchange will help you on your dating journey. 🙂

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