Welcome to this short podcast segment where I discuss how you can stop finding fault in your marriage or long term relationship.
As well as, some ways to move on after a divorce or break up if you feel you need to end it.
Here are some of the tips you’ll hear about:
- forgiveness – for yourself and her
- putting things into perspective – shifting your thought process around the divorce and stop finding fault and discover the positives instead
- appreciating what the relationship taught you
- having gratitude
- consider how your life would be without this marriage/relationship
- think of the reasons why you decided to get into this relationship and the reasons why it went downhill?
- developing boundaries
Here is the Transcript of
“How To Stop Finding Fault (In A Divorce)”
Today I want to discuss fault finding fault with yourself and with others in the context of a relationship.
Because I know a lot of you men out there are very hard on yourselves and you can be hard on the women around you. So I just want to give you some relief.
Fault is a tough thing. It’s understandable. Many people are very very hard on themselves. I want to give you an example from one of my clients. He’s in his 60s. He’s very successful. He’s done well for himself and he’s in the middle of a divorce after more than 30 years. I guess being together like many of you out there I think it’s a similar story in the sense that they just really weren’t that compatible.
Especially, the older they got the more they grew apart, and from what I’ve seen and read, statistically this is the biggest reason why marriages disintegrate. It’s because two people are not compatible.
It’s a shame, but it is a fact.
For example, when two people are getting married, usually what happens is they are within a certain age range say between 25 and 35. That’s the window where most people, both men and women, want to create a family.
A lot of times people are dating somebody during that time in their life and they think, Well, I love this person. This is a good person and it’s about time that I got married. I don’t want to wait too much longer.
However, there’s something in the back of your mind where you know, it’s not 100%. Then 10 years down the road, after a couple of kids, that 20% that wasn’t working before has now become the 80%. Nobody’s really very happy, but just know that most marriages begin like this.
It’s completely understandable because you don’t want to start a family too late or too early so it makes sense.
Now, if you find yourself in a place where you feel like you really do need to break up the marriage and get a divorce, then finding fault is not going to be helpful.
I’m speaking specifically of men who really tried. Men who are not abusive and women who are not abusive.
I don’t think anyone should stand a marriage where you’re getting verbally excoriated or physically hit every day. That’s ridiculous, but if you’re both good decent people that just don’t get along very well, if you’re 50 and you’re healthy that’s a long time to stay with somebody that you don’t really get along with.
There’s a lot of life left at 50. As there should be.
So finding fault is not productive on any level. Not logically, mentally, emotionally or even spiritually. I think maybe thinking of it in a way where you take responsibility for what you did or did not do during the marriage.
How you contributed to the breakdown and what she needs to do. That whatever she needs to own let her own it. It’s not yours to take on.
Don’t take on any more responsibility than you need to. Be honest when you say you could have handled things better. You could have made better decisions. Your behavior could have been better in some ways.
All of this is fair and it’s not finding fault or blaming. The same can be said of her on a spiritual level .
I think our Divine Creator does not want us to get so down on ourselves and blame ourselves, but I do think responsibility is key.
Because we all have free will.
So you both chose to get into this union and you stayed for many reasons. If it’s time to leave it’s time to leave. And it’s an experience that you wouldn’t have had otherwise.
There are people who get to 50 and they’ve never been married. They’ve never been engaged. They’ve never had children. That’s a very different life at 50 than if you have done all those things.
So be honest with yourself.
Would you really have made a different decision during that time, etween 25 and 35?
And was it really so awful with this person?
I can honestly say that my client who was getting divorced in his 60s, I think he can readily admit that his wife was a wonderful mother to their children and they’re now grown and they’re happy and healthy and great looking and contributing members of society.
They both must have done a great job parenting.
He was able to build up a fantastic career because she was more willing to stay home. She wasn’t as
interested in having a career. So she was a very available mother for her kids and that’s a fantastic thing.
A human being always does better with a mother around them in their early years. So, if you can look back and maybe think of some of the conversations as well. How she influenced your thinking positively and how that influenced maybe your career or the hobbies you engaged in or the friends you hung around with.
How her perspective got into your thinking. The good ways, not the bad ways.
You can own that experience, as well as, a positive thing, you chose this woman to come into your life.
And she did, in many ways, indelibly change you positively and yes, there were rotten things too.
So no need for blame and you can stop finding fault.
Take ownership and responsibility for your part in the break down of the relationship. Then that way you can shed any guilt or shame you feel from your actions during the marriage.
I’ve talked about guilt and shame before and I won’t go into it now.
However, guilt is one of the only emotions that turns inward. Guilt and shame are on the flip sides of the same coin.
They always turn inward.
You can never use that energy (of guilt or shame) for anything positive. If you can stand back and look at all the great things that came of your marriage and your union, your long-term relationship with a wonderful woman, then you can gain a lot more from it.
That’s it for now. Thank you very much for listening/reading and have a very sensual day.
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