I’m in my middle years and I’ve been through a lot, but I’ve also healed a lot too.
Self reflection, self awareness and self responsibility are cornerstones of growth.
So, it’s with that in mind that I write this for you today.
I’ve talked to a lot of men about their relationships and marriages.
For many, I realized when they made the decision to stay in their relationships, much of the reasoning behind the decision lay in guilt.
Especially, when kids are involved.
Although, many woman have the skill to wrap a man around her guilt inducing finger with little more than a look or a tone in her voice.
Does this sound familiar to any of you gentlemen?
Let me quickly map out a few things about guilt:
- The essential energetic nature of guilt is to turn INWARD. Except for shame, which is the other side of the same guilty coin, all other emotions can be turned outward and focused on something external
- Guilt grabs you from the inside and doesn’t let go. Guilt must be dealt with first before it can be transformed into usable energy
- The second thing that seems to be inherent is the sense of obligation that guilt ensues
It’s these qualities that makes guilt such a powerful agent for self sabotage.
Just look at the survivors of sexual abuse within the Catholic church. The deep invisible wounds that corrupt their individual sense of self worth undeniable.
So how does this relate to women using guilt to keep a man around and in his place?
By playing on his sense of honor as a man.
So if a man is deep enough into the relationship or marriage, and feels like he is responsible for protecting, caring and spending time with her, this gives her the opportunity to manipulate the hell out of him.
She can essentially drop a “guilt bomb” on him whenever he hasn’t done what she expects of him. This is compounded by 100x when there are kids involved.
Dropping The Guilt Bomb
A smart woman will know not to go at her man with the guilt bomb too often. It’s most effective when she knows he’s feeling vulnerable.
For example, he’s promised to take her out on her birthday. They make tentative plans about 2 weeks before hand. He wants to take her away for the weekend to the mountains. Her birthday falls on a Saturday and she was raised in Aspen. She’s thrilled and he’s feeling validated.
However, things get busy at work for him. He’s up for a promotion and his company has just landed a lucrative new client. He’s working extra hard and long days. He’s thinking of her in terms of their future together. Immediate details like her upcoming birthday don’t bob to the surface.
Then suddenly, it’s here. Her birthday weekend is upon them. She asks what time they’re leaving on Friday to go to the mountains while pulling out her favorite ski jacket.
He’s suddenly flush with guilt and shame. It’s slipped his mind. He hasn’t done anything necessary to secure a spot on a mountain top for a weekend. No hotel reservations. No thought of transportation. Not one iota of an itinerary.
His sense of himself dropped through the floor. His manhood is pummeled. He’s let her down. He’s disappointed her in a big way.
Not only that, he knows this is the kind of event she’ll throw back at him whenever she wants to take a dig. He’s set her up to justify her unspoken, subconscious “right” to make him feel guilty… and therefore obligated. Obligated to her and their relationship.
Doesn’t that sound familiar gentlemen? Doesn’t it look familiar too?
This is the kind of scenario that happens every day between men and women across this country and around the world.
What to do? Know that you are doing your very best. You have no need to feel guilty. Explain what has been happening in your life/at work. Not as an excuse, but as a real logical explanation. Tell her you’ll make it up to her… and then DO IT!
If she continues to be pissy about it, don’t get aggressive and don’t cave. Remember, in a scenario as described above, it’s not your fault. Although it is your responsibility to make it right within a reasonable amount of time.
A grounded, secure woman will understand a man gets focused on his work because that’s the way he’s wired. Not because he suddenly doesn’t give a damn about her.
Relationships, especially the romantic ones, are here to help us mature and become stronger within ourselves. If you can remember to support yourself internally when you feel guilty, you can begin to understand where you went wrong. That way you can avoid that behavior in the future.
When you succumb to the manipulation and resulting guilt, you carry shame all men have been carrying for eons.
Unfortunately, this type of shame and guilt within relationships can make men violent toward women when it builds up enough.
Avoid it before it gets to that point. Don’t let her pull a guilt trip on you by taking responsibility and standing up for yourself calmly and firmly.
She’ll get it… and if she doesn’t… well, it might be time to move on.
Thank you for reading. Have a very sensual day. Dyann xoxo
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