What Do NY Times, Closeness & 36 Questions Have In Common?

Did you know that the NEW YORK TIMES has covered a story (twice!) where if you ask anyone, including a stranger, these 36 questions their answers will make you fall in love with them?

Seriously? Seriously.

It’s based on a study known as: “The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness.”

This study was first released in April of 1997. It’s interesting that the NYT picked it up almost 20 years later.

Basically what this study concludes is that the more intimate your conversation, the more it brings you together. These 36 questions are supposed to be the precursor to love. Apparently that’s what happened for the researcher who penned the study.

The Big Caveat…

Of course, both people have to be willing and have the energy to tackle the challenges these 36 questions introduce.

It can be done though and being happy and having a genuine connection in your relationship can happen more quickly than you may think. Which is ultimately what those 36 Questions suggest.

So without further adeiu, here they are!

The 36 Questions

The 36 questions are divided into three sets of 12.

If you’re serious about this exercise it’s suggested to alternate answering the questions with your partner. In total it takes about an hour to answer all of them.

The 1st Set

These first 12 questions are about building closeness between 2 people who don’t know each other very well.

For example, what you might ask someone on a first date.

Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
Would you like to be famous? In what way?
Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

My 2 Cents

These are not the kind of questions I would find interesting to ask or answer. Unfortunately, if a man asked me too many of these questions on a first date, let along all twelve, I would start to get annoyed.

Why? Maybe I find a lot of these questions trite. As if I need to offer up a cookie cutter answer which is dull.

These are not the kinds of questions I spend much time asking myself because the answer would change dramatically from one week to the next. Is that really getting to know me?

I would find it more valuable to ask about what’s important to the person in life, for the world, for humanity. Is that dumb? Maybe I’m being trite? He he he.

However, for me, answering or asking these questions is not charming or fun. So, if it’s not charming or fun how can you fall in love with with a person?

The 2nd Set

The second set of questions are all about fostering a greater sense of intimacy. They explore things like personal experiences, values, and emotions

If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
What do you value most in a friendship?
What is your most treasured memory?
What is your most terrible memory?
If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
What does friendship mean to you?
What roles do love and affection play in your life?
Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

My 2 Cents

Well, again these are the kinds of questions that are more appropriate to ask once a friendship has been established, at least a little bit.

I would have to be quite good friends with someone for me to be genuinely honest about most of these questions.

In general, all of these questions from the first two sets are far too much for a first date or even a casual friendship.

It seems these 36 questions were developed by someone who based an entire website on The NY Times article or it is from the NY Time itself.

Check out the site devoted to the 36 Questions here…

The 3rd Set

The NY Times article, where I first found the 36 questions, says that this third section is all about creating deeper emotional intimacy. Where the previous two sets were about establishing a closeness that is meant to lead to intimacy.

Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling…”
Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”
If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

My 2 Cents

Ok, how many years am I supposed to know someone before I answer or ask these questions!

These are just not the topics I go into with many people. Ever. I’m sure I’m not alone in this.

These questions sound like they’re for people who still need to develop good emotional and psychological boundaries.

After reading them I don’t know why I would fall in love with anyone no matter how good the answers were.

Since the NY Times article was first publish in January of 2015, a number of other very large websites have picked it up.

Here’s the short list;

Berkley U – Published late 2020

VeryWellMind – Published February 2024

Readers Digest – Published March 2024

Amorebeautifulquestion.com – published mid 2018 (This site has been around since 2011 and is quite well visited)

In general, I find many of the questions and the premise behind them kind of disturbing.

In my opinion these 36 Questions are not designed to develop intimacy. Most of these questions are either an invasion or irrelevant. I’m saying these questions force an intimacy on a person. They do not offer a natural progression for two people to know each other.

This is my opinion. However, I’m sure there are many who would agree after reading the questions.

I’ll leave it there. Thanks for reading and have a very sensual day.