What Do The NY Times, Interpersonal Closeness

&

The 36 Questions Have In Common?

Hey Gentlemen;

Let me ask you a few questions…

Do you tend to feel like the woman in your life is nit picking at you?

Do you get “triggered” quite often?

Do little things others say in general tend to set you off?

Do you argue with your lady too much?

Don’t have a clue what interpersonal closeness is?

If so, keep reading.

INTERPERSONAL CLOSENESS

Did you know that the NEW YORK TIMES has covered a story (Twice!) where if you ask anyone, including a stranger, that the answers to these questions make you fall in love with them…

Seriously?

It’s based on a study known as: “The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness.”

Basically, the more intimate your conversation, the more it brings you together and you’ll have interpersonal closeness. Eew.

I’ve read the questions… HERE… and I don’t know why I would fall in love with anyone no matter how good the answers were.

So…. having gone through the 36 baffling questions coupled with decades of life experience… I’ve determined that getting back on the right track in relationships can happen… fast.

HOWEVER…

Both people have to be willing and have the energy to tackle the challenges.

It can be done though and being happy and having interpersonal closeness in your relationship can happen more quickly than you may think.

Which is ultimately what those 36 Questions suggest.

Below are a few links to some good books that can help you target tough spots in your relationships and fix them fast.

Dr. Susan Campbell is a consultant with Susan Bratton at Personal Life Media. Here’s what Dr. Campbell has this to say about relationships:

HOW SECURE PARTNERS COMMUNICATE

“Securely functioning partners feel safe to reveal vulnerable needs and feelings. They can talk about anything, knowing that if conflicts or misunderstandings occur, they have tools to resolve them. If they feel distressed or have a need, they’ll express it at the appropriate volume level.

They won’t have to turn their volume up to get attention. It won’t be mixed with angry protests or anxiety. They won’t shut their signaling down or hide out. They will admit their needs and their fears and reach out for reassurance.

And if either partner notices that the other is distressed, they will respond quickly with touch, eye contact, and simple, soft, reassuring messages. Each partner knows what their partner needs to feel safe, and they know how to calm and reassure their partner when needed.

Co-regulation is a natural part of a secure couple’s daily life — not only in response to distress calls, but as a way to nurture their connection. Secure couples touch often. Partners may frequently hug at departures and arrivals and check in with each other throughout the day. Even when they are apart, they will feel connected.

Secure couples know that interdependence is the root of healthy, happy relating. They know that, as couples’ therapist Stan Catkin says, “Relationship is like a three-legged race.” Ongoing happiness is based on both partners staying vertical and moving forward together. The basic rule is: “If you fall, then I fall.” You cannot leave one partner on the ground.

Taking a stance that treats their relationship as a three-legged race, secure partners know that it is in their own best interest to find mutual solutions — and to respond in a caring, helpful way when a partner is in distress. A secure couple has no interest in who is right or who will win if there’s a difference in needs. Partners work together to arrive at a solution that works for both.

As in a three-legged race, if one person feels off balance, that person needs to know how to reach out for help in an open, transparent way as soon as possible. If a distressed partner needs reassurance, the other knows how to quickly respond with co-regulation or comforting verbal messages. Secure couples get triggered, but they have learned how to accept their triggers and quickly reassure safety or repair.” —

Her style is a bit clinical for me, but the information is solid. Some of you may find it very helpful.

5-Minute Relationship Repair by Dr. Susan Campbell – this one is great if you’re stuck in a relationship where you get ‘triggered’ by each other easily and can’t seem to get past that pattern.