In this short episode, Dyann discusses GIVING.
Specifically, the how, what, where and whens of giving and most importantly how the giving is RECEIVED.
I’ve learned that you can feel like you’re giving a lot. However, if the person you are giving to doesn’t really need what you are giving, it doesn’t strengthen the relationship.
That’s why sometimes one person can come out of a relationship exhausted, feeling like they gave as much as they could and the other person felt cheated and ignored.
We’ve got to pay attention to what the other person needs and see if we can adapt what we can give to those needs.
That’s the way to building a solid foundation of trust and empathy. This works with intimate relationships, but also for friendships and business relationships.
When another person feels like they received something they really needed from you, there is a connect created. Otherwise, it’s just an interaction.
Without this dynamic, the relationship will not be built on a bedrock of common support and thereby will always remain somewhat shallow.
TRANSCRIPT
Welcome to another edition of the Bridges Bulletin. Let’s get started.
Hello, everyone. This is Dyann Bridges. I’m a coach and confidant for men, and today we are discussing giving.
And I think it’s important because if you give and give and give, But the other person does not receive it in a way that they feel is helpful. You’re not really building a relationship, not a solid one anyway.
So, let’s get into it. There’s always give and take in a relationship. But today I want to address the giving aspect.
How much? When? You know, in what measure? Now, the timing and the way you give, how you give, is essential for a great relationship.
Now, if we’re just talking about sexual giving, there’s nothing wrong with that.
However, if you want to engage in it, on either side, whether you’re a man or a woman, it’s important to know that’s all you’re willing to give.
And especially as a man, you need to be clear about that, because sometimes women leap to wanting a relationship, sometimes there are assumptions made.
Sometimes she’s expecting a call back and you don’t want to, and sometimes women tend to want to give more than they’re getting in return.
Here’s an example of what I mean. So, a man and a woman are starting to date.
They both had previous relationships, one in a long term relationship that she just got out of after five or six years, and he had been married for over two decades.
Yet, it was clear. He was not ready to move forward into a full fledged relationship.
But they continued to talk and date. But after a year and a half, the relationship was still mostly over the phone, and they got together when it was convenient for him.
He would try and offer advice in her career, but she didn’t find it that helpful.
And then one day, close to two years into the relationship, there was a misunderstanding, and she never heard from him again.
Now from what I understand, she had told this man more than she told most people. She considered him part of her inner circle.
Yet, he found it very difficult to understand her. He found her interesting and attractive, but he didn’t seem to really understand her.
And he didn’t really know what to give her, other than some good conversation, and they had some sexual attraction, and they had fun that way.
But it didn’t go beyond that, mostly because he didn’t seem willing to share more of himself. He was trying to give to her, and he did know a lot about her particular field, but yet, she wasn’t feeling like she was getting much from him.
She never felt truly fulfilled, but she didn’t feel rejected either, until one day, he just stopped calling.
It was a mystery, but I suspect it has everything to do with the fact that he wasn’t ready for a full on, real relationship where you’re required to give of yourself and share in ways that
Your partner, your friend, your lover, can fully understand and appreciate and receive.
Sometimes giving requires patience, an enormous amount of patience.
Sometimes giving is listening and allowing the other person to deal with whatever they’re dealing with, without jumping in to offer opinions.
Sometimes that’s valuable, especially if somebody asks directly for an opinion. But giving must be offered willingly, and you have to know what you have to give.
Your thoughts, your skills, your physical resources, these are all things that you can give.
However, in a relationship, you’ve got to be able to give in a way that the other person feels like they’ve received something.
This sounds like a minor point, but I think a lot of relationships today, both romantic and friendships and business relationships, are built on common assumptions and perhaps a good sense of humor.
But if the other person doesn’t feel like they’re getting or receiving something they need from you.
The relationship is built on sand. So if you feel like you’re giving and giving, yet the other person doesn’t feel like they’re receiving a lot, at some point, very quickly, that relationship could just fall apart.
The friend suddenly stops calling you. Maybe that business partnership suddenly cools off.
So how do you know what you’re giving is landing in a way where the other person feels like they can receive it, and they’ve been given something?
lot of it has to do with reciprocation. How much do they give in return?
If they say, oh yeah, that was great, thank you so much, that was awesome. Do they give you something in return that you think is valuable?
It doesn’t have to be just, you know, one for one all the time. If you’ve given them, say, three, four nuggets of great information, they go, wow, that was really helpful, but you don’t feel like they’ve given you much, you might want to be more selective on how much you give.
And if you think there’s somebody who is worthwhile to be around and to stay connected to, you’re going to need patience.
Relationships are difficult, but the willingness to share will get you a long way when building a relationship, and you’ve got to decide if that’s enough. So, I hope that’s been helpful in giving you some food for thought.
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