How Not to Look at Women on the Street

How Not to Look at Women on the Street

A funny thing happened to me walking on the street the other day.

I got stared at like a piece of meat.

Shocking, I know. Men rarely do that with women…

Understand, I’m not that young anymore either.

Maybe I should be grateful?

A woman in her middle years still getting looked at with objectification.

Perhaps I should consider myself lucky?

Well, I’ve asked myself that and done some soul searching and I have to admit…

No. I’m not grateful to be looked at with complete objectification.

I’m not grateful to be critiqued to determine whether or not I’m deemed attractive in the beholder’s eyes.

No. I’m not grateful to be looked at in a way that diminishes my worth as a woman and human being.

In fact, I’d rather not be looked at at all. It’s true. And it would be a relief.

When I was in my 20s I wanted (perhaps needed) to be looked at. I would think many young women feel the same way.

Little girls figure out early that their looks are a commodity. Both personally and professionally.

Now however, I don’t care so much what others think.

If a man is going to stare at a woman why not do it with appreciation? Why does it have to be a stare of objectification or entitlement or contempt or some combination thereof?

Lord knows you men can not live without us. You need us in a way women just don’t need you. So why not show more appreciation toward us?

Don’t believe me?

Observe both genders as they get older. After the death of a spouse or divorce, a man will almost always find another woman to marry or find female companionship.

Women however, not so much.

Many women decide you guys are not worth the effort. I saw that in my mother after my parents divorced. She dated for awhile and then just stopped. For good. My father though, went on to marry a much younger woman.

So, let’s ask ourselves this…

Could this stare of contempt, entitlement or objectification you men give women on the street be linked to the ego? Both yours and ours?

Or is it just simply projection? An all too common and seemingly instinctual practice in human beings.

Here’s a simple example…

A few weeks ago a new client came to see me. He mentioned an incident that I believe demonstrates a common attitude toward women. We began talking about other therapists and his experiences with them.

This is not unusual.

This client – who we’ll call Clark (as in Kent) mentioned he found a provider on either The Erotic Review or Massage Anywhere (I can’t remember which) and looked at her profile.

Clark said, “She had five pictures of herself on her profile. Five.”

I said, “Well, you guys are visual so it gives you a better idea of how she looks.”

Mr. Kent shoots back, “Yeah but five pictures.”

Apparently, five pictures is a lot for profiles like these even though they give you at least 4-5 spots to upload pictures to.

I replied with something like, “Well, if she’s got more than one spot for a picture why not use it?

Again Clark Kent says, “Yeah, but five?”

So, at this point I’ve given him several chances.

Still he insists five was an egregious number of pictures to upload to your profile.

My comeback was one I’m quite sure he hadn’t thought of.

I said, “Well, sites like The Erotic Review or Massage Anywhere have their own internal search algorithms. Kind of like a baby Google. It helps potential clients find provider’s profile pages.”

Mr. Kent listened thoughtfully as I continued to massage his back.

I went on, “The more areas in the profile that are filled out to the maximum, the more likely their profile will pop up in the search results. That includes uploading as many pictures as they allow.”

Clark had nothing else to say about the five pictures.

This exchange suggested to me that Clark Kent suspected the massage maven uploaded five pictures of herself because of… uhm… narcissism perhaps? That’s quite an assumption.

What I didn’t say was that if she uploaded five pics she’s probably quite serious about getting clients. Which is a good thing.

If I was a guy looking for a sensual service, why would I call the girl with one photo? Not only do I have just one pic to go on, it says “Why bother?”

Having just one picture looks like she doesn’t care.

In my eyes, the supposedly excessive use of five profile pictures was smart… not narcissistic.

Hence the male ego at work projecting its way into our hearts and minds.

My point’s been made. So, this brings me back to the stare.

Could this stare of contempt, entitlement or objectification be linked to the ego? Both yours and ours? Or is it just simply projection? An all to common practice in human beings.

As a man, looking at an attractive woman on the street triggers as deep a reflex as getting a glass of water when you’re thirsty. That’s fine.

It’s understandable and part of why the cosmetic and fashion industries are worth billions. Women can live with that.

What women on the street (or anywhere) don’t want and shouldn’t have to deal with is the smallness directed at us.

Every time you look at us in a way that suggests we are nothing more than a body to use for your pleasure you diminish us… and yourselves.

Women don’t give themselves to men who have no real respect or appreciation for them. If they do, it’s only because they have little self esteem or they are being paid to so.